~Safe Guarding Our Children Against the Monsters And Abusers~

We are born, supposedly, as a blank slate. right? No information, no judgments, no reasons for what we do and really, no knowledge of the world happening around us. Except for what it taught to us over time, we are like an empty glass waiting to be filled with knowledge. Sadly, with the power of learning we not only learn to tie our shoes, read and to talk, but we're also filled with the double sword gift of judging. Who teaches us to judge, to see differences and to separate people in our mind and label them?  From day one we are taught to put things into pairs, into groups, and into piles based on similarity. Square pegs go into square holes, red berries go into bushels of red berries and on all the way up to collecting and comparing pictures.  Parents, teachers, a stranger making a comment at a store, television shows, siblings, and on and on.....and on have power over our young and very impressionable brains. And no matter how careful parents may be with their remarks and comments, its impossible not to send down to them prejudices (if they exist) as well as opinions and to color in the lines of judgments for our kids. 

I've heard many people say that making judgments is a normal and useful tool in life. While some of them lead us to be too quick to like or dislike someone, some of the judgments we make can keep us safe. While not all "scary" people are bad or good looking people are good, we so often keep ourselves at least feeling safe by bypassing anyone or anything that doesn't look healthy, clean or friendly... I have been surprised in my own life to be taught that I've made bad judgments on very good people but in a world so scary I'd rather my kids be too careful and too judgmental if it keeps them safe than to have no fear at all.

But how do we teach kids to be safe and teach them about "stranger danger" when too often  kids who are abused are done so by everyone BUT the strangers in most cases? A smart child molester is NOT going to appear to people as dirty, "weird", scary or like they are bent on hurting others. While some child abusers cannot hide their ugliness even on the outside, too many are handsome, charming and, sadly, have a magnetic personality. They work hard in order to get into the parents good graces just as much if not more than the child they are stalking...So often after a family finds their child to be abused they are heard saying  "But he was nice" "He was so normal" and "We trusted him". Bingo...

If a person wants to get into your child's life and "take" what they want how hard can it be? All they need to do is be "normal", to offer the child something they want and to  make sure that they are friendly with the parents...Its sad and its scary. I know myself that my abuser was a friends family member...I have known many friends who have known their attackers from a very young age. I have rarely heard a case where a child  said that the stranger down the street just came out of nowhere and molested their kids....(Unless it was a vicious rape of course but I am talking more about a sort of abuse by a familiar person). Very often there has to be a trust and a friendship built between the abuser and his/her victim.

I have had the talk with my own kids...I have tried so hard to be clear about the facts while trying not to scare them. Its a very very fine line. In one breath we are telling our children that they need to respect and listen to their teachers, pastors and coaches and in the next telling them that they should not trust anyone. We tell them that their body is theirs and that they should not allow anyone to touch them if they don't want it but then we say that its not their fault if a person molests them.

As a survivor I can tell you one thing. It is the most important thing to remember. Never ever EVER tell a child who has been abused or who you are trying to keep safe that they should not "allow" anyone to touch their body. There is absolutely no choice in a sexual matter between an adult and a child. Even if a child thinks that he or she wanted the touch, the attention or the kiss, it is in NO WAY their fault! This is such an important thing because other than the abuse itself, SHAME is the biggest monster that haunts any and this child from the day they were touched until the day they die. Shame and fear that their own needs or desires may or may not have played a part in the incident live like a cancer inside a child eating its way into the very core of their heart and self esteem. To this day, 31 years after the abuse, I still believe that I did something wrong. Why?? I am working on that in therapy and through writing but I know its for several reasons....It happened to me with the Grand daughter of the molester and we laughed after...Why did we laugh? For me it was to hide the pain and confusion.

....2....I told an adult...several adults, a few years later after my elementary school had a big meeting about "Good touch Bad touch". No one did anything. My own mother (Who I know did this because of fear of what he would do) made me swear I wouldn't tell my own father. At that moment it because a dirty secret.

....3...I did NOTHING after it happened. I didn't call the police, bring him to court or even tell his family.To this day my friend and I have not spoken about that day.I am afraid that she will either remember but not want to talk about it or that she has blocked it out and will tell me I am nuts. Either way it may not be good. The best outcome would be for her and I to have a conversation about it in order to support each other.

...Here I will end my reasons because I need to find them myself in my time. My point is that the abuse is one thing but the way we handle the entire situation after the abuse is just as important. Its is NOT good to shut the child up and pray it will go away. ALl that will happen is that the child will bury it only to have the demon/abuser come out in nightmares, in possible self abuse (Cutting, being "easy" sexually or being inverted and shy, in having addictions to drugs, alcohol and/or food to fill the hole and to cover the pain and on and on. 

I am honestly very sad at this moment and I feel like I've opened up a very old wound so I will cease writing until I can deal with issue again. Just remember that its so important in now we handle the aftermath of the storm or else the child will grow blaming them self and feeling like less than anyone.Please care for their broken heart and soul just as you would a broken bone or deep wound on the outside of their body.

 Love~ n~ light, hugs and hope, Stacy <3